sadness and depression


being sad is relaxing, in a way
if I'm worried about something,
I'm not worried about it when I'm sad
I'm not worried about anything when I'm sad
I feel sorry for myself
and it acts as an excuse
to not worry about anything else

I cling to sadness
like I cling to romanticism and sentimentality
I imagine a world without it,
and it seems tragically desolate and lonely,
even though I'm not sure that it would be

my depression often takes the form of lacking a goal
lacking a final destination
not knowing the meaning of life
not knowing which way to go
at a really high level
so I think
at a really high level
about which way to go

sometimes I think the answer is to do stuff
and learn along the way
rather than just lying down thinking
but I'm not sure
I think both are necessary
and I don't know the proper balance

sometimes I have an idea
and I'm excited to do it
and that excitement is energy to act
but if there are obstacles to the idea
especially tedious obstacles
thinking about the obstacles diminishes my energy

I think one tool may be simply forcing myself through some obstacles
as opposed to trying to kindle a fire of excitement about where I'm going

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