meditation notes

  • I had thought that I could step back and watch thoughts happen, rather than sort of have the thoughts consciously, but now I think that I never actually have thoughts consciously, I only ever observer them after the fact. In fact, I don't think any actions or thoughts are initiated consciously, even the directing of attention. I think consciousness only watches.
  • I had thought it would be good to build a sort of program that notices what's going on in my mind as it goes on, but I'm not sure I ever actually notice things as they happen — only after they happen — so it seems good enough to sort of let my mind do or think X, and then note that I did or thought X.
  • It seems that pointing the eye of consciousness at some things will prevent them from happening; for instance, I can't watch myself lift my arm. I can see the intention — feel the tension in the relevant muscles and see mental imagery of my arm lifting — but the actual "go" signal, I can't see that. I need to stop looking for the "go" signal, and then my arm will lift. This seems to be true of thoughts as well. My mind sort of "reads" thoughts internally, and I thought that was something "I" did, but it seems that it is something I let my brain do, like lifting my arm.
  • This isn't a fully fleshed out thought, but I feel like some of the mental frustrations I've experienced throughout my life are akin to the timing based feedback frustration of hearing myself talk half a second after I talk, as happens sometimes over the phone. For instance, when trying to dance, I think thinking about it — trying to watch it — hinders the process. Feedback in this case should probably happen at a longer time interval.. perhaps.

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