and frustration has a climax in crying
when I feel deep sadness or melancholy, it seems blasphemous that a time will come in the future when it is forgotten.. yet that time seems to come..
I worry what others think of me.
I worry that I'll say something wrong, and others will believe it.
I worry that other's may hold me on a pedestal that I'm not on, and they'll be disappointed when they find out.
life seems endlessly frustrating,
and it only frustrates me more to hear someone say "life is endlessly frustrating", as if they know the answer, and are graciously bestowing their wisdom on me..
which means I hate to think of others as better than I am.
I want to be thought of as equal..
yet at the same time, I want to find the answer to life, and tell it to everyone.. but would I be satisfied if someone else found the answer first and told it to me?
I'm not sure I would even accept an answer. I'm not sure I accept the idea of knowing anything — though for consistencies sake, I can't know that knowing is impossible..
and I keep searching..
part of me thinks suicide may be the answer,
but I'm unwilling to seriously consider the possibility,
so I'm not sure..
I wish our society was fine with suicide, so people could think about it without guilt, and choose not to do it for whatever reasons people choose not to do it, which I don't know, because I've never seriously considered the possibility..
these thoughts are behind a wall that I want so badly to break..
there are so many thoughts I want to confess that I think people will think less of me for.. here are a few:
- I left the LDS church for many reasons, but one of them was that I wanted to look at porn, and this was considered sinful, yet it didn't seem evil to me, and I wanted to do it very much
- I still look at porn
- I wanted to try marijuana in part because I was bored with the experiences I had had, and I hoped it would be new.. and it was
- I still use marijuana about once a month.. in fact, I have a prescription for it.. in fact, that is why I got turned down for health care prior to Obamacare (I didn't pay for marijuana with my health care, but the prescription is for "depression", which is a "pre-existing condition")
I worry that this stuff I write is.. me trying to get attention.. I want it to be about exposing myself as a way of sort of.. I don't know.. understanding myself better.. getting to the root of my issues and such..
but this is a public blog, and I know that people read it.. so it has got to be about influencing other people.. a little bit..
..just seems hard to really expose myself fully and honestly without looking like I want people to think that I've fully and honestly exposed myself..
I'm not high right now by the way, in case that's something people are thinking.. though I do think there's a chance I'll delete most of this later.. (in fact, nothing in this blog was written while high, except for these images.. I have written stuff while high, I've just been afraid to post it anywhere publicly)