death

I had a good friend in high school. Today, my mom tried to call me during work. A bad sign. Shortly after, my sister texted me and said "Mom said so-and-so died". So-and-so is my friend's older brother. I called my mom back a little later. She said "he 'did it' at such-and-such a time". I suspected he had 'done' something. The viewing is tomorrow.. or rather today. In 10 hours.

I love the family. I knew this person fairly well. He taught me one of the most important tools I use when improvising on the piano.

I don't feel anything though.

Yesterday, I was watching America's Got Talent on Hulu. There was this Texan standing on the stage with a guitar. He stuttered when the judges asked him who he was. He said he had served in Afghanistan. A grenade blew up near him, and damaged his brain. "That's why I stutter a little." The guy seemed so humble and contentedly optimistic. His girlfriend -- possibly his wife -- had told him he should audition. He sang really well, without stuttering. I cried during his song. I hadn't cried in a while. I couldn't remember when I had cried last.

I didn't feel anything today. I don't think I'm repressing anything. It may just be that I'm too burnt out to feel.. but I cried yesterday watching America's Got Talent. Maybe I'm too burnt out to process things relevant to my own life.

I don't know. I don't know if I'll go to the viewing. I would need to wake up in 3 hours and catch a plane. I feel like it would take great effort to "be there" emotionally for the family. And I'm burnt out. I feel like it "shouldn't" be relevant that I'm burnt out. But it is.

UPDATE:

I ended up going to the funeral. The funeral was at 10am. I flew out of SFO at 6am. It was good to see the family. I hadn't seen them in seven years or so, but it was easy to reconnect. The funeral was good -- everyone was in remarkably high spirits considering this was a suicide. Mormon funerals in general tend to be pretty positive, and this family in particular has a very positive and accepting outlook on life.

I identify with the person who committed suicide. I identified with him when I knew him seven years ago, and hearing the talks about his life, I identified with him more. I believe that is why I was not saddened by the news. The truth is, it made sense to me, from what I knew of him when I had known him seven years ago. I believe I understood what he was going through. And he was so loving to the people around him all through his life, that nobody seemed to blame him for his choice.

Anyway, I feel like I should let readers know that I'm not planning to commit suicide. But I feel like people should be more open about talking about it. Death and suicide are delicate issues, but I don't think they're helped by not discussing them.