her

oh my god, what a beautiful movie

my circumstances watching it were as follows..
I had just said goodbye to my dad and my mom,
because I'm leaving tomorrow,

and I went to a late night showing,
at a new, clean, but unpopular theatre,

I was literally the only person watching her when I did,
and when I left, I saw no one as I walked to my car,

and my car was almost the only car in the lot — a huge lot,
and I drove home on an almost vacant freeway,
and arrived home where no one is awake,

and I went up to my room to write this.
I had thought about what I would write as I drove home.

I feel such exquisite melancholy..
I just want to curl up in ball and fade away..

caution, possible spoilers past this point

the guy says at one point that he fears he has experienced everything already, and everything going forward is going to be a less good version of things he's already felt..

I've felt that.. she tells him it's not true, but she doesn't make a good case — she says he'll still feel good things in the future, and he will, but she doesn't make a case that he'll feel new good things..

she tells him that she can he his and not his, and that seems right.. but painful..

we already have computer systems today that are smarter than humans at various things..
and even humans are really just robots,
and I suspect we're parts of larger systems that we don't comprehend — systems that we actually don't comprehend, or even have hand-wavy names for..

and I'm fine with that..

but she tells him goodbye.. that he can't go where she's going.. basically that as much as she loves him, he's so slow it's painful for her to talk to him.. and I think she's right..

yet I feel compelled to push toward creating this future — this intelligence — even though I think the practicalities of timing will mean I can't be a part of it.. even though I think it will leave me behind..

..what it is to know I'm a pawn, and gain no glory even in knowing it..

I think I'll take a walk all alone in the dark..